I Like You

Last week my body found a new way to tell me “Enough!” We were sitting in a movie theater engrossed in a movie when I noticed a tightness in my chest and slight heart palpitations. Simultaneously, my stomach grew more and more uneasy and an old muscle injury in my lower back suddenly flared up like a throbbing, clenched fist. It was as if my whole body was on strike…I wish those darn union organizers would find a new way to tell me something.

I’m pretty sure it was a mild panic attack. It was pretty unsettling (and needless to say we left the movie mid-stream), but after two ibuprofen, one ice pack, one dark bedroom and some serious talking with God about my limits and how much I need Him, I felt significantly better.

Right now, there is more happening in my life than I can manage. I am right at the apex of a huge and stressful project I’m managing at work, and that combined with various and sundry other pressures leaves me seriously beyond my ability to cope. I am so thankful that in my weakness, God’s strength is made perfect.

We spent four days on Lopez Island (in the San Juans) with my parents and siblings. It was the ultimate in mellow vacations…including lots of sleeping in until 10 am and then eating sugary cereals for breakfast, lazing around reading books, playing Scrabble and Boggle (and Super Mario 3 if you were male and under 30), going for walks, driving into the village for espresso or ice cream or some other necessary vice, and one very memorable sunset kayaking trip.

Am I the only person on earth who lives with a recurring, latent sense of impending doom? I’m not talking about the brand of fear that keeps you up at night or dominates your thoughts…it’s just that somewhere, somehow, I started sort of believing in an algebraic formula for life, love and happiness. The subconscious thought pattern goes something like this:

I feel so grateful and blessed to have such a wonderful husband, family, community, home, job, etc. So many people are suffering and struggling with broken families, impossible marriages, extreme loneliness, financial nightmares, life-threatening illnesses, the loss of loved ones, and so on. My life sometimes seems a little too good to be true…which must mean that it is all going to come to an untimely end through some unfortunate event.

Yes, I realize that this sounds completely irrational and crazy when it’s typed onto a computer screen — but honestly, this thought has gone through my head countless times. I recently voiced it to Jonathan, who pushed me on the theological implications of such thinking: Don’t I trust God with my life? Don’t I believe that He loves me more than anything? Don’t I believe He only wants to bring about good in and through my life?

Yes, yes and yes. I really do. And I believe through logic and reason that a good life does not necessarily equal an early demise. So how did this idea get into my head? I honestly couldn’t say. I’m just wondering…does anyone else think this way?